Are you true to yourself in relationships? Do you maintain your own identity? Or do you lose yourself in an attempt to ensure you'll be loved? Many people jump into dating full steam ahead willing to compromise who they are in order to be what they think will win their partner over.
They choose partners even when they don't fit - and then mould themselves to ensure it works.
In the short term, they may steal the heart of their desire. But long-term it's an inevitable recipe for destruction and heartbreak.
Josie knew how to please men and set about to make her love interests fall in love with her no matter what it took. She convinced them she loved sport and drank beer when deep down she wanted to spend her time sitting in cafés sipping coffee.
Men easily fell in love with the person she pretended to be. Much to their dismay, over time her true needs, loves, and personality would start to seep through and they would begin to realise she was not at all the person they fell in love with.
Predictably, they'd end up leaving her to find someone who was the real thing.
Dena similarly spent the initial stages of dating and her relationships playing up to the needs and desires of her partner. She became just the girl she thought he wanted her to be.
Similar to Josie, the guy always fell for the seemingly ‘perfect' girl. Frustration on Dena's part would begin to emerge from failing to get her own needs met.
She was so busy being this dream girl in her partner's eyes that her own desires and dreams got left at the start line. Over time she would become increasingly sick of pleasing, start to resent her partner and decide to leave him.
And the cycle continued again and again. Both women would somehow forget that this strategy failed them in the past and repeat the process in the next relationship. Each relationship re-confirmed their belief that there were no men out there just for them to fit together like perfect pieces of a puzzle.
Fortunately, through coaching they've broken the chain. They realised the damage was self-inflicted by their inability to trust in themselves as good enough to be loved, just as they are.
We set about to develop their self-acceptance and belief in finding Mr Right-for-them rather than someone to win over. As a result of demanding of themselves a partner that fits with who they really are, they have both in different ways been able to find much more mutually satisfying relationships.
As they say, every pot has its own lid - and the perfect lid for your unique pot is out there waiting for you! You don't need to be anything ‘more' or ‘better' than what you already are. The key is learning to genuinely like and accept the person that you are and developing the conviction that you will find true love simply by being yourself.
How to Maintain Your Own Identity in Relationships
Step 1: Choice: The first step is always making the choice. Committing ahead of time that this is how you choose to be, increases the chances of acting this way when the temptation to please arises.
Step 2: Identity Audit: Have a mental flick through your memory of past dates and relationships. How have you let your own identity go in order to impress and win someone over?
Step 3: Accept Yourself: Really learn to understand and accept who you are, what makes you happy, who you like to be in a relationship and your needs and values. Demand of yourself a partner who fits well with these.
Step 5: Just Be Yourself: From the first date, be yourself. Always be honest about your needs, wishes and desires. Compromise is important in relationships - once your true wishes and desires are out on the table!! Don't use the need to compromise as an excuse to avoid standing up for what is important to you in life.
Be true to yourself in relationships and watch as the people you attract fit more beautifully with whom you are, what you desire and your dreams in life. Throw away the masks and you'll find your relationships flourish, needs finally being met, and satisfaction in love skyrocket...
