The Valentine's Day Guide

If you find yourself newly single come February 14, I want you to know that I feel your pain. I too find myself recently detached.

I've put together the following guide to get you safely through the heart shaped balloons, vomit inducing classified ads and pink crotchless underwear.

Let's be honest. If you go to an "anti V-Day" or singles bash you're going to get smashed. Sure, you'll start with "just one glass" and before you know it, one of two things will happen. You'll either be performing a lap dance for the nearest member of the opposite sex who, by the way, is hideously unattractive and will think all of their Christmases have come at once or you'll turn into the crying drunk.

Worst-case scenario, you could do both.

If you think your confidence is low now, imagine how long it will take you to recover from being forcibly removed by a security guard while yelling, "Why couldn't he just love me? No one will ever treat him as good as I did." Face it, you're just not ready to be out in public yet. So stay home. It's the only safe place to be. Deadlock the front door for good measure.

Valentine's Day is not the day to pop down to Blockbuster and pick up the Dirty Dancing, Pretty Woman, Notting Hill tear jerking trifecta. DVD's are good but go for angry action flicks. Think Tarantino not Fried Green Tomatoes.

Put on some tracksuit pants and get comfy on the couch. This is what being single is all about.

Add ice-cream if you think it will help you get in the mood.

Under normal circumstances, I'm an advocate of asking for a table for one but tonight is just not your night.

Give date zones a wide berth. Dimly lit eating establishments, cinema complexes and anywhere you might find fairy lights, serenading performers or those ladies who sell plastic wrapped roses; these places are all out of bounds for you.

The last thing you need during your recovery is to bear witness to wedding proposals or public displays of affection. And if any loved up couples are reading this, get a room! Consider yourselves told.

Resist the urge to call your ex.

In extreme cases, hand your phone over to a close friend, unplug your modem or leave the country for the week. Ignore that little voice in your head that comes up with ridiculous reasons for making contact.

The spare toothbrush you left at her house can wait for another time. Really.

Do yourself a favour and don't buy any newspapers or magazines.

How else will you avoid the endless gift guides, restaurant recommendations and quirky ideas for "recession friendly" romantic gestures? You'll probably have to start about a month prior to V-day but I think it's worth it.

Besides, no matter how many times people suggest it, no one wants hand written vouchers their partner can cash in for kisses, hugs and half hearted massages.

From love song dedications on the radio to the secret stash of early Mariah Carey CD's in your collection, now is not the time for a romantic power ballad. If you must listen to Mariah, perhaps you should seek professional help. Dido, Missy Higgins, Coldplay and anything you used to listen to with your ex should be avoided at all costs.

In fact, invest in some earplugs. There's nothing more embarrassing than breaking down in the dairy aisle at Coles because they are playing "your" song.

I hope my guide helps you through the most romantic day of the year. Once we get over this hurdle, we can get on to the much more exciting mission of celebrating our singleness.

And if you're looking for something to do to amuse yourself on V-Day, check out the next episode of That's Why You're Single.

Then you'll realise you are far from alone this February 14.